My past love life is filled with emotionally unavailable, avoidant men.
Now, I know I’m not the easiest person to be with either. My anxious attachment has caused more problems than I’d like to admit. But I’ve always wanted a healthy relationship; I just didn’t know what that looked like.
That is until I met my current boyfriend. I’d known him for two years before we dated; we share the same group of guy friends he knows from high school, and I know from college.
I always knew he had all the makings of a securely attached partner (though at the time, I’d never considered it let alone knew what attachment theory was). He’s unfalteringly kind, patient, and confident, but not in an overpowering way.
When we finally gave dating a try, his even-keeled, rational manner sent me for a spin. I was used to relationships where I’d say one thing wrong and not hear from my partner for days. I always had to walk on eggshells.
But dating a securely attached person finally opened my eyes to how a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to be. And now that I’ve learned this, it’s safe to say I can never unlearn it, nor do I want to.
It’s been two years since my boyfriend, and I started dating, and since then, I’ve learned several things from being in a relationship with someone who’s securely attached that I want to share.
Relationships are work, but it’s not painful work.
Two people forming a relationship won’t always be smooth. You’ll disagree about silly things like how to fold the towel on the bathroom counter and more important things like the ways you show and receive love.
But just because things will be tough sometimes doesn’t mean they need to be painful.
While in a fight with one of my exes, I told him that even if we did break up, he wouldn’t find an “easier” relationship because all relationships were hard like ours. “No, Kirstie,” he stated to me, “that’s not true.”
I wrote him off and assumed he didn’t know what he was talking about. But now that I’m with my partner today, who maturely handles his emotions and talks like we’re both a team, I realized something.
Relationships require work and compromise, but the good should outweigh the bad. Or, more importantly, the bad shouldn’t be so devastating that it ruins your entire days and creates more space between you two.
The highs and lows of a “passionate” relationship aren’t worth it.
If you’re familiar with attachment styles, then you may have heard of a phenomenon called the “anxious-avoidant trap.” It describes the cat and mouse game of an anxious and avoidant person dating.
When an anxious person clings, the avoidant pulls away, making the anxious person cling tighter, which causes the avoidant one to pull away more. That was past my relationships in a nutshell but sprinkled with intense love in-between.
All of this is to say: I thought love was going through extreme highs and lows. So much so that I’d dare to say I was addicted to those feelings.
Once in my current relationship, I realized how good it felt not to constantly be in a feeling of manic highs and lows with my partner. A steady middle ground was what my anxiousness always needed to feel truly loved.
Stability is not the same as settling.
Society has led us to believe that the worst decision we could make in life is settling when it comes to love. While I agree that you should wait until you find someone you very much love, stability and security have been confused for settling.
I’ve joked around for years that living in the suburbs would “slowly kill my soul.” That having a typical white picket fence and freshly mowed lawn was the way people’s happiness withered away without them realizing it.
And while I can stand firm on my opinions of suburban life, I too quickly dismissed building a solid life with someone I love.
See, as someone who moved 12 times in the past several years, I always assumed I needed to travel constantly and experience novelty to be happy. But what’s actually made me the happiest is the life I’m building with my boyfriend.
At one point, I was scared of the misconstrued notion of settling. But I’ve now realized there’s nothing wrong with wanting stability along with love.
That I didn’t love too much; I loved the wrong people.
All those times my exes told me I was irrational, too emotional, or just “too much” in general, the issue wasn’t me. The problem was their inability to talk about and experience their emotions. Who would’ve thought!
Those words have never come out of my boyfriend’s mouth. He’s always created a safe emotional space for me to be open about what I’m feeling, and I do the same for him. Plus, his healthy way of handling conflict helps me feel less triggered, unlike my avoidantly attached exes.
Having my emotions respected, validated, and given space to be heard is an eye-opener compared to the crap I put up with in the past. It feels incredible finally finding someone who appreciates the love I have to give.
Having a judgemental partner is exhausting.
I used to have a list of things I wanted to do but never would because of how badly my partner would react. Amongst those were things like dying my hair purple or making funny videos online.
And that doesn’t include everyday choices I made because I knew my partner at the time would judge me. I held my tongue on one too many occasions. I stepped back into the shadows so they could shine.
What’s worse is that I wasn’t aware any of this happened until I was in the car with my current beau. He was driving, and Taylor Swift came on the radio. I started singing loudly to the lyrics, and halfway through the song, I froze.
I’d never sang that quickly in front of anyone, let alone someone I was dating. In the past, I felt uncomfortable being myself because the people I dated were judgemental, probably due to their own insecurities.
But with my boyfriend, I felt at ease from the moment we started dating. To be frank: being with a judgment partner is fucking exhausting.
Playing games is the absolute worst.
I once spent three months waiting days for a guy to text me back and finally make plans to meet up. In between that time, I felt horrible. Sure, I forgot all about it when he’d finally text me, but I’ll never forget the uneasy pit that permanently resided in my stomach during his silence.
But I guess things evened out when it came to my current boyfriend’s communication.
The day after our first date, he left on a six-week work trip to India. But during that time, not a single day went by when he didn’t text me, even when he had fault WiFi.
He also made his intentions clear upfront. I wanted to date him, and he wanted to date me. We didn’t waste time playing games but also took things slowly to get to know each other naturally.
Playing games is truly one of the worst experiences when it comes to modern dating. They’re not necessary, regardless of what people say.
A relationship really can be a place for you to grow and learn more about yourself. How your partner reacts and treats you will either keep you stuck or help you be better when it comes to love.
I’m not saying this can only be done with someone who’s securely attached; finding someone willing to grow and learn still means a lot. This is just my experience, and hopefully, you learned a few things from it.
