I’ve always loved love, but I didn’t have a good understanding of healthy love for a long time.
With no good relationship role models around me, I turned to reading at an impressionable age. “Beauty and the Beast” became one of my favorite tales. I celebrated how Belle fell in love with the person inside the Beast, and I yearned for that kind of love, to be adored foremost for my inner self.
But I didn’t realize until much later how I’d completely glossed over the fact that dear Belle “fell in love” while being held against her will. Beauty and the Beast’s “love” wasn’t magical, but a disturbing example of Stockholm syndrome.
In my role as a Relationship Coach and my own self-help journey, I’ve found certain quotes that typify my understanding of healthy love.
1. “If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.”
— Benjamin Franklin
At one of my lowest points, I called a friend and immediately launched into my woes and worries.
He interrupted me. “Tara, hold on.”
I paused. We had the kind of relationship where I’d call whenever I was going through some shit, I’d vomit it all out, he’d say something pithy and wise, and then I’d end the call feeling better. He’d never interrupted me.
“Why don’t you ask me how I’m doing?” he then said.
I came to realize later that I’d been treating him like the human equivalent of a trash can. No one deserves to be treated like that. What he did by asking me to ask about him was to take the focus off of my self-centered bullshit for a moment and wonder about something outside of myself.
When we desire to be loved, we should first wonder if we are loving the way we would want to be loved. Are we kind? Generous? Selfless? Encouraging? Positive? If not, then we should look to fix ourselves first before we go looking for someone else.
2. “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
— Mahatma Gandhi
When my first marriage imploded after the revelation of several betrayals, I placed all of the blame on my ex: he’d deceived me, I’d been a helpless victim.
But as an adult, I’d had a part to play in that relationship, whether I wanted to accept that truth or not. In reality, the bond between my ex-husband and I had been eroding for years under a steady drip of resentment and bitterness. It was doomed to end.
This quote should remind us all that we are participants in our own lives. We choose the company we keep. We choose to take personally what other people say to us. We can either control who has access to us or control how we react.
3. “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
— Thomas Merton
I dated too many men based on what I thought their “potential” was. I saw them the way I wanted to see them, not as they actually were. I grew angry and resentful when they didn’t match up to my fantasy, and I was often controlling, trying to coerce them into being the person I thought they should be.
In actuality, I never loved the men I chose not to truly see. I couldn’t have. I saw what I wanted to see, so I only loved the image I’d created.
True love can only happen if we see people as they are. Not as we wish they were. Not with the hope that they’ll change. Exactly as they are. No more, no less.
4. “Never ASSUME, because when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME.”
— Jerry Belson
Assumptions arise when we have incomplete information that we fill in based on our previous experience, understanding, fear, anxiety, etc.
No matter how much you think you know a person, you can’t know enough about them to predict why they did something over another. Assumptions are lazy, usually negative, and the hardest truth? They’re nearly always wrong.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Be direct. Ask. You’ll save yourself a lot of relationship pain in the process.
5. “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
I lost plenty of friends after my divorce. Some of those relationships were too tied up in my now-ended marriage, others I had outgrown. Others were overly judgmental of the dating choices I made. Still, others backed away slowly, as if my failed relationship would rub off on theirs.
I was devastated at first, but then I realized that the people I still had around me were the ones I knew cared for me unconditionally, the ones that would stick it out with me through the good and the bad.
They, truly, were the only people worth having in my life.
6. “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”
— Elie Wiesel
Love and hate are both passionate emotions. It’s not surprising then that if we feel passion — whether positively or negatively — towards someone, it connects us to them unutterably.
If we don’t want to be connected to someone, we don’t do it by hating them. We do it by being indifferent. In order to move from hate to indifference, we must quit holding resentments. We must forgive and let go.
This is a hard lesson to practice, especially if we’ve been hurt, but it’s an important one. When we let go of relationships that no longer benefit us, we make room for ones that do.
7. “Water seeks its own level, and water rises collectively.”
— Julia Cameron
We attract people as healthy or as unhealthy as we are just as water rises to the same level no matter what container you put it in. If you realize some of your relationships are unhealthy, it’s time to look at yourself and address what you need to in yourself.
The best part of this knowledge is knowing that if you get better, you’ll make those around you get better too. When you improve, you’ll rise, and they’ll have to rise with you (or leave).
Society doesn’t always offer the best role models for healthy relationships, but these quotes can help you see love the way you’re supposed to: imperfect and real.
